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Toxic Waist, or My Annual Freak-out

February 9, 2014 by Laura

Wow, can you believe it’s been a whole year since I last posted? I can. You may have gathered that sustaining my attention to this is not my forte. Here’s the update:

I did run a St. Patrick’s Day 5k, accomplishing my best time for such an endeavor. I have no idea what that was. I came in ahead of lots of people and just behind the woman who had stopped to nurse her screaming infant. Subsequently, in the course of training for the half marathon, I experienced a foot injury that did severe and lasting damage to my motivation. That was in May.

Shortly thereafter, for reasons both numerous and nebulous, I experience a garden variety, stress-induced bout with severe depression and anxiety. Being a generally upbeat and non-anxious person, this was a rough time. I treated that with rest, pharmaceuticals, pizza, and beer. I’m much better now. Much better. S’all good.

Now, that particular combination of therapies, while highly effective in treating my mood, had the complementary side-effects of weight gain and apathy. Sure, I’ve gained 10, 15, (ok let’s face it every pound I have ever lost) back, but y’know, I look ok. Good even. My hair is still long and wavy. Work is going better than ever. I bought a cute, new, vintage style, polka-dot bathing suit that I fill out quite nicely, thank you. Short story: I am finding it very hard to give a fuck.

Objectively, I know I need to drop pounds if I want to feel really healthy again. Also I don’t feel like buying yet another wardrobe when I already have nice clothes in size That-was-then. In November I joined a Biggest Loser challenge at work (the kind I would have won in 2011), and within 3 days was thinking, “This is fucked up.”

Shifting gears is hard.

As usual, the clinical aspect of my job (as opposed to the Biggest Loser Challenge) has provided ample reasons to treat my body better. But I am really, REALLY tired of having weight loss be a major conversation topic. I am tired of hearing apologies and explanations for eating food that is just food. I am very interested in nutrition, food, health and people having transformative experiences. I am not interested in health and weight being the currency of status. Does that make sense?

So my humble plan is to eat a mostly vegan, whole carb diet for a while. I’ll probably eat a bit of fish and maybe some full fat dairy in teensy amounts. I started using Spark People to track and plan meals and goals. Even as I type this, I feel the weight of the effort. It feels oppressively structured. But I’m treating it as an experiment. I can do anything for, say, a week, right?

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