It was a little more than a lunar year ago that I embarked on my epic quest for glowing skin, bony shoulders, and perfect teeth. You’ll recall that I was successful in losing approximately 30 pounds and squeezing into a slinky beige-ish dress for my brother’s wedding, all while eating delicious, healthy meals and barely budging off a kitchen chair. I thought someone out there, perhaps my one visitor a day (Mom? Is that you? Don’t answer that, I know it’s you.) might wonder what’s going on with me now. Since I never call, I don’t email, I hardly even acknowledge you exist, I thought I’d give you all an update.
First the good news: My quest for perfect teeth is being advanced by a nice Jewish boy named Dr. Bernstein, an orthodontist no less. Yes, I got braces. Again. I was hoping that with all the restrictions on what can and can not pass through my trellised incisors, I would have an advantage on the healthy eating front. Nope. Not true. I’ll have two fistfuls of popcorn down before mumbling, “Oops, not s’posed to eat that.” Did you know that you can also suck on a dark chocolate covered sea salted caramel? You can. You don’t have to chew them. So 18 months and a year’s worth of private school tuition from now, I should have teeth straight enough to indulge in professional whitening. I probably could have bought myself another MGB in decent condition for the same amount of money, and I now I’m feeling a little wistful about this decision. A vintage sports car is a way hipper statement of midlife crisis than caged teeth. Ask anyone.
As for bony shoulders and glowing skin, here’s the really weird thing that happened: I started eating bread, cheese, sweets, and drinking a lot of beer and wine and recently bourbon (thanks a lot), and I gained like 8 pounds. Ok, maybe 10 pounds? Isn’t that so freaky? And those super cute skinny jeans I bought… They’re like, totally uncomfortable now. At least, I think they are, but I haven’t tried to squeeze my bagel-eating ass into them for about a month. Just to clarify, my ass does not eat bagels. My ass is big because of my bagel eating mouth. Is that better? In fact, my ass is now so big, it has become my muse. More than one friend has heard me sing my “Fat Ass Blues.” It’s an instant classic.
But all hope is not lost. This week I decided to get back into good clean living next week. There is no time like soon, I say. I am signed up to do a 3 week purification/detox regimen with Tone Fitness, a local yoga studio. I did this a few years ago and felt great. The basics of it are: you buy a whole bunch of fairly pricey powders and fiber supplements, take them with yummy smoothies for 21 days, eat lots of high ANDI veggies, avoid all pleasurable foods and drinks, and voila! You are clean inside and out. If you’re really good, you drop about 10 pounds. It is an especially gratifying thing to do if you are bowel obsessed, believe that gluten is sent from hell, or are a middle aged woman trying to lose weight without exercising. I am doing it in order to get back to my self-righteous healthy living.
Seriously, here is the list of things I will not be consuming as of Monday: Wheat, all other grains except brown rice and quinoa, beans except lentils, soy, dairy, eggs, sugar, coffee, alcohol, corn, nuts, seeds, potatoes, meat, anything cured, smoked or grilled. I am to eat twice as much vegetable matter as fruit. There are these supplement pills called “colax.” I believe the name addresses their function adequately. They suggest that you wean off caffeine in order to avoid migraines. I’m sort of doing that. Not really. I think I’ll be detoxing some ibuprofen out as well.
Some people like to prepare before a “cleanse” and I am one of them. But rather than start to give up some of these things, I decided to double down. I have given up consuming any beer or ice cream produced outside of Sonoma County. Ditto for milk, coffee, cheese, wine and bread. The way I see it, I am going to have to eat a lot of out-of-season, non-local produce in the coming weeks, and I don’t want the county’s artisan producers to suffer because of my selfish need to be healthy again. I’m throwing a last wad of cash at them before the nibbling resumes. Fortunately, one of my neighbors grows microgreens, so I’ll still be able to help keep her afloat.
I’ll try to keep this up to date while I scrape my tongue and examine the color of the slough. Maybe I’ll have a vision! Maybe my vision will get blurry. I really want to feel like the detox is worth it, so I’m going to go eat some baby back ribs now. Bye. Cheers!